To tolerate missing my therapist.

So, it’s been a while. All of my big plans for this blog have fallen through. It turns out this summer has started out busier than I had anticipated.

Currently I’m sitting at the beginning of my therapist’s one week vacation, which has given me a topic to ramble on about. There are only so many places one can turn to rant about missing a therapist. It’s not a commonly discussed phenomenon in my every day world.

Generally speaking, the idea of missing something is a tad foreign to me, and therefore quite uncomfortable. I’ve felt the absence of relatively little in my life. Somehow I’ve managed to skip over developing any sense of object permanence when it comes to other human beings. I usually don’t miss people. In fact, if they are not in my daily life, I tend to think very little of my friends and/or family. I’ve lost many close friends this way. I just let people go and rarely look back.

Who knows why. I certainly don’t. It’s rooted in something traumatic I’m sure. I rarely open up enough with people to truly connect to them in any deep/meaningful way, nor do I expect them to stick around very long. It’s nice because I’m not hurt by the normal comings and goings of friends; however it is still a problem. I also miss out on real friendships. I’ve let potentially long-time friends go way too easily. I can name a handful of people through my life who I feel would still be in my life had I opened up a little more.

Due to the lack of attachments in my life, I only have few people I miss. I notice if someone on campus isn’t around for a while, but it has little impact on me. As far as my friends off campus are concerned, I probably won’t even realize if one had skipped town or began hibernating in his or her house for a while. It’s sad, but true. My sister, who I love dearly, is halfway around the world and has been for almost two years and I cannot honestly say I miss her. I enjoy chatting with her when I can or any visits we have, but I barely think about her not being here or of missing something on either side.

Now, my therapist is in a new category for me. I do miss her. I don’t know why on this one either. She’s in my life for two hours a week, yet knowing she isn’t around for an entire nine days hit me hard.

Part of my issue is that I assume others will forget me the moment I leave their sight as well. In my mind, they must also work in a similar ‘out-of-sight-out-of-mind’ way. My fear is if I’m not in a person’s routine than I’ll be completely forgotten, so I try to do what I can to stay “active” in a person’s mind by staying present in his or her life. I tend to agree to gatherings and activities I’d prefer to not attend just so I’m there and not scratched off the list for the next thing. Basically, I feel like if I don’t make myself noticeable, then no one will see me and will ultimately forget I even exist.

So, this fear is amplified with my therapist because I do miss her while she’s away. I realize just how much I rely on her or what she brings to my life and I’m terrified of losing it. I’m afraid she’ll forget me. I’m afraid we’ll meet again in a week and things will be different. She’ll realize how emotionally draining I am as a patient. I won’t be important to her anymore. I’ll have been replaced or just plain forgotten about.

"Wish you were here
Here to make everything right.
My world revolves around you,
My only grounding source.
In all of this confusion,
I need you even more."
- Jonathon Clay, Wish

(Didn’t think I’d forget to add bits of a song in here, did you? )

She’s my foundation, upon which everything else has settled. I count on our regularly schedule appointments. When I’m struggling, I often break time down to session-to-session periods. She’s very reliable in terms of scheduling. We met the same day and time every week. It’s part of my routine, which I find safety in. I’m without a doubt a creature of habit and my routine is scared to me. I know she’ll help me if I let her and I count on that. In the midst of my roughest periods, all I want is to hear her tell me things will be okay.

In addition, somewhere along the way, some small part of me feels she does care about me and I actually appreciate it. I could even go as far as to say I might even like feeling cared about. I like that she seems interested in me and concerned about my welfare. I feel like she wants to help me. I feel like she sees and hears me, that she notices me. I like feeling connected to her. However, when she’s gone, it’s gone.

I have yet to internalize that feeling and now I’m missing it. I feel disconnected and lost. I feel like I’m floating through the world alone. I feel lonely and afraid.

I have these difficulties every time she leaves for an extended period, but this is might end up being one of the more intense periods. I’ve already come very close to having a panic attack after realizing she was not available, which has never happened before. I need her right now and it frightens me she’s away.

I’m in the middle of what a friend and I affectionately refer to as “summer crazy,” which is never pleasant. My PTSD and dissociative symptoms tend to go through the roof as July approaches, and I need her to help me keep them in check. I want someone to know what’s going on, and at this point, she’s all I have. I don’t want to be alone with it all. I want help. I don’t want to put myself on the verge of ending my life because I’m so miserable.

So, with all things considered, I miss her. The thing is I don’t know how to tolerate or alleviate the feeling. I can’t make her come back, nor would I want to. She needs her time away, just as much as anyone else. My first reaction to missing her is to conclude that I need her too much, meaning I need emotionally pull away, which isn’t healthy. In my mind, it becomes a sign of vulnerability that cannot be tolerated. Well, actually, that’s my only reaction at the moment, although I have begun to resist that urge more recently.

The goal is to tolerate such a feeling. One day, like any other feeling, it won’t be so new and overwhelming. In addition, I have to learn to internalize the positive feelings and believe that they remain the same during these breaks. I have to learn to hold onto the feeling that she cares which doesn’t change when one of us takes time off. But, when will I get there? That place seems so far away as I stand here holding this intense anxiety and loneliness.

She's suggested a song she's connect to me to help me remain anchored in our relationship. Music is something we use quite often in these situations. Either I recommend one to her or the other way around. The idea is that we'll both think of each other when we hear the song(s), therefore stay connected when we're apart. It does help. I've created a playlist of songs I've related to her in some way. Most of the songs are those I've passed on to her, with a few just random ones I've kept to myself and the four she's given to me. At times like this, that playlist is on repeat.

Why am I so emotionally inept??