"Wait it out while I am someone else."

The post title is a line from John Mayer’s song, Not Myself, one of my all-time favorites. For whatever reason, I find the lyrics really hit home for me and where I am in life. That place being in a general state of limbo, where I often don’t feel like myself. Or, at least not a self I’m comfortable being. I’m still finding my spot in the grand scheme of things. Trying to make sense of my past and creating a future. I know I’ll always be relatively the same person, but who is that?

Suppose I said I am on my best behavior…

Currently, I’m still in this glorious transitional life stage called young adulthood. I’m in the process of finding my place in the world and feeling settled in my life. From an outside perspective, I assume I come across as a well-adjusted individual. I’m living on my own and supporting myself, which I have been for years. My choosen career path could be considered respectable by some. I've found several enjoyable hobbies, have had the opportunity to travel, and have surrounded myself with good people. What more could one ask for?

I chose to continue my education and stayed in school, although, “grad” now adorns the prestige position title of student. While my responsibilities and expectations on campus are greater, I’m still living a more advanced version of the student lifestyle. Basically meaning, I’m skimming by on a research assistantship stipend and student loans, without the added buffer of parental financial support, and bogged down by the common worries and burdens of other adult. It's true, grad school isn't a continuation of those carefree, fun college years. I’m ready to take the next step on my career path, but it takes time. I love what I do, but I certainly don’t want to be a ‘professional student.‘ It can be frustrating idling at the bottom of the Academic World. Fortunately, graduation is coming into focus.

There are times I lose my worried mind.

However, there’s a lot of self-doubt and internal turmoil hidden within my mind, leaving things less stable than they appear. I’m in the middle, or rather close to the beginning, of processing a troubling childhood in therapy. There’s a lot to get through and I’ve spent most of my life living in fast forward trying to stay one step ahead of it all. Well, it caught up with me. Fortunately, I’ve found a compassionate therapist willing to deal with my stubbornness.

For the most part, I tend to allow fear to rule my life. I’m afraid of confronting my issues because I worry I’ll crack under the pressure and things will fall apart. I avoid acknowledging my feelings for fear they will overwhelm me. I refuse to change many relatively problematic behaviors or challenge distorted thoughts, because I’m concerned it will only reek havoc on my mental ‘stability’ and my external facade will crumble.

However, once again, I’m not at a complete halt in this area either. I am making progress. With the help of my therapist, I’ve made significant changes in my life, with many more on the horizon.

Would you want me when I’m not myself?

I wish I was more settled in every part of my life. I’m not comfortable in my own skin. I’m plagued by body image issues. I’m chronically insecure about my intelligence, despite external reassurances. I spend a lot of time hating myself and feeling like a failure. I feel ruined by my past and unlovable. Yet, at times, I also have high hopes for my future. I believe things can be different than they are… that I can change. I have goals and feel confident I can reach them.

And I, in time, will come around…

In some way I think I am slowly becoming a better person, friend, sister… overall, a better me. So, how will it all turn out? Who will I be when the dust settles? For the moment, I’m just me, searching for myself and trying to figure out my future. Leading back to the original question, who will wait it out while I’m someone else?